October 4, 2015

When a Road Trip Turns South: South of the Border, S.C.

By Stephon Boatwright In On the Road

I’ve traveled to the South Eastern portion of the US once or twice a year for a long time now.  I used to have family in Atlanta, and now an ever increasing number of my girlfriend’s family lives in the Carolinas.  Despite being a hardcore, North Eastern Leftist, I always manage to have a decent time in Dixie.

This time we headed down for the merry matrimony of my girlfriend’s cousin.  The wedding was on the South Carolina coast, the far more tropical sibling of its northern counterpart.  It made for a incredible setting.

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Having driven down in the middle of the night, somehow I missed the tragic comedy called South of the Border.  Driving back in the daytime, I had no choice but to notice.  Before we proceed, let me be clear: DO NOT GO TO SOUTH OF THE BORDER.

Just in case you missed that:

DO NOT GO TO SOUTH OF THE BORDER

 

The facility was too intriguing not to go to while I was still ignorant.  For over 100 miles there’s billboards announcing the park’s existence.  The cost of advertisement in South Carolina must be exceedingly cheap, because I saw no less than three dozen signs announcing I was getting closer and closer to this magic, Mexican-themed fairyland.  I knew it was going to be a trap, but I just couldn’t help it.  After all, they were trying reaaalllly hard to get me there.

I gleefully pulled off the highway to the most bizarre “attraction” I’ve ever seen.  Playing on the fact the park was just South of the North Carolina border would be one thing.  To take every stereotyped perception of Mexicans and turn it into a theme park was disturbing.  I was too hungry to fully take in the sombrero tower, but as I was in the midst of my frozen burger, I noticed everything was one ridiculous cartoon.  The rides looked ill-maintained and the employees looked like they were going to flee to actual Mexico for better employment. And the food? Best said by one customer with a thick Long Island accent:

I didn’t think you could F*** up a Hot Dog!!! How did you do it?!”

Even the waiter had to laugh at that one.  I walked out into the balmy South Carolina air feeling rightfully suckered.  I’m not sure how the owners raised enough money for all those billboards.  Are there really that many stupid drivers on route 95?  Then again, it must be the billboards that does it.  Have a look:

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I know what you’re thinking.  It’s like the Napoleon Dynamite of attractions; you have to go just to see how bad it is.  DON’T!  Please keep driving.  South Carolina had better things to offer than South of the Border.  You were warned here on Trail Lust.

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